DATE LIKE A DETECTIVE
The quickest way to increase your chances of being raped and killed is to go on a date. NOTE: This is a comedy piece.
In 2019, after nearly three decades of failed romances, I decided to make a list of qualities my next boyfriend would need to have in order for me to date him. The list started with 27 descriptors, but grew as I continued dating: a man might score 27/27, but then introduce some other new problematic behavior or idea that I hadn’t thought of. I’d need to update the list.
The initial list had things like:
Does not drink full-sugar drinks like Coke or Mountain Dew.
Has a full-time job with benefits and full-time is actually 40+ hours, not 30, and the job is not “self-employed.”
Cares about personal and global health.
Goes down on me often and enthusiastically.
The reason for the list was simple: I continued to take in boyfriends who captured my heart with half truths. Sometimes quarter truths. And I just believed them! BIG MISTAKE.
To save you a lot of trouble, here are a few things men love to say, which sound like green flags but have the potential to be RED FLAGS. You’ve been warned, now act accordingly.
“I have a job.”
OK, what kind of job? What are your hours? How many hours do you work per week? When did you start the job? How did you get the job? Do you have friends at the job? Do you get benefits? How do you get along with your co-workers? Do you drive to your job? And if so, is the vehicle actually yours? Whose name is on the title? How did you acquire the vehicle?
“I read.”
This requires investigation. What do you read? Where do you find new and interesting things to read? Do you actually read or do you listen to audio books? How many books have you finished? What is the last book you read and how long did it take you to read it?
“I’m a giver.”
Never believe this one. This person knows they are NOT a giver. They may give a little, but immediately retract when a favor, no matter how insignificant, is asked of them. If used in reference to sexual performance, be wary. It could indicate a proclivity for giving you oral sex which would be great except when he’s doing it to compensate for a small or otherwise weird penis.
“I am a feminist.”
What’s your definition of a feminist? What does feminist mean to you? Will you hold the door for me? Will you pay for dates? Do you acknowledge that even though women work, most men still get paid more for doing the same jobs, and often they don’t do them as well?
Questions are CRITICAL for this one. You risk getting into a relationship with a man who wants to be a stay-at-home nothing. You may end up paying for all dates, activities, meals and excursions. You may be expected to hold the door for him. He may become frustrated and squeal at you, “when is it MY turn to be pampered!?”1
“I have my own place.”
There are multiple layers of investigation you’ll need to take on.
General
How long have you lived there? If the home is a house, whose name is on the title?
Housekeeping
Is there hand soap in the bathroom? How many bathrooms are there? Do you clean the bathrooms? Do you own a vacuum? Do you have real dishes? Do you own real silverware? How do you prefer to clean the toilet? (This is a good question because you don’t have to call out that you’re trying to figure out if he actually cleans the toilet, you’re just talking shop about methods. Chances are, his idea of “cleaning the bathroom” is wiping the counter. With the towel he just used to dry off.
Location
What’s the address? Where does your mom live in relation to this address? Does anyone else live at this address? How long have you lived in this neighborhood? Why did you choose this location? (Did he choose the location because of a DUI and needs to be able to walk to work?)
Financials
Who pays the rent/morgtage? How did you acquire the home? Did anyone co-sign? If so, who? (You’re looking for red flags like “my mom,” “my ex-wife,” or anything that could indicate bad credit or felonies.)
I know what you’re thinking: “Nikki, if I heard the guy’s ex-wife was on the title, I’d skedaddle right away!”
Would you?
Close your eyes and think about the hottest guy imaginable.
OK, I’m ready.
You’ve been with this guy for a while now and he is HOT. You aren’t really planning on hanging around—it’s plain to see he isn’t husband material. So when he tells you he has a nice house and you find out his mom is on the title, he tells you an insanely dumb story that, in any other context would make zero sense. But you’re blinded by lust and not concerned about the long-term. You think, “OH who cares, I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.” But then more time goes on until one day you wake up and this man has become your actual boyfriend. And the housing situation? Ya, it’s exactly what it sounds like.
Cut ties with this one early on.
The list goes on….and on and on and on. If you’ve got stories of your own to share, please message me. I’d love to collaborate on a “Date like a Detective” article or series!
An ex boyfriend of mine said that, yes, actually. He’s dead now, so I think it’s fine that I’ve written this, and it isn’t slanderous, because I have quite a few dead ex-boyfriends. Because I’m just getting to that age. It could have been literally anyone, as far as you know. Check the obits.
